


Limbs Lost Like A Dead Weight State

by emblah01



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Break Up, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-09 07:25:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4339256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emblah01/pseuds/emblah01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The words are like bullets, really messed up bullets. His immediate reaction is happy and overjoyed and he kisses Phil over and over, going on about how proud of him he is in the time in between their lips are pressed together. To be honest, he probably went on while he was kissing him, but details don’t really matter at this point. Then reality starts to sink in."<br/>Or, in which Phil moves away for university and Dan is left alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Limbs Lost Like A Dead Weight State

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted anonymously on phanfic.tumblr.com, because i am afraid.  
> title stolen from 'human' by daughter.  
> disclaimer: in no way do i state that either dan howell or phil lester are involved romantically. the relationship status of either is their business, and their business alone.

“I’m going to university in Manchester.”

The words are like bullets, really messed up bullets. His immediate reaction is happy and overjoyed and he kisses Phil over and over, going on about how proud of him he is in the time in between their lips are pressed together. To be honest, he probably went on while he was kissing him, but details don’t really matter at this point.

Then reality starts to sink in.

He cries when he gets home, for three hours straight. His parents don’t really know what to say, so they leave him be in his room and say nothing.

He cries because he just knows he’s going to be forgotten, and Phil is going to move on to bigger and better things and he’ll be left behind like always, and maybe it’s petty to ruin your boyfriend’s happiness, but it feels like someone is taking part of him and ripping it away three hours and fourteen minutes across the country.

It wasn’t like he didn’t know that Phil had applied to Manchester. Maybe it just didn’t sink in until he saw the acceptance letter in his hands and ran his eyes over the letter that Phil would have to move to go to school.

He pretends to be sick for three days, just so he doesn’t have to go face Phil and see how excited all of his friends are for him.

Phil is scheduled to leave three months later and Dan tries to spend as much time with him as possible, but most of the time he’s packing and Dan doesn’t (can’t) be there while he’s growing through all of his stuff and throwing out memories of them and him and his childhood. It feels like a punch in the stomach when Phil turns up on his doorstep one afternoon with a two boxes filled to the brim with junk that he had collected over the years in his childhood home.

“This is yours,” Phil says softly, gesturing to the brown cardboard containing precious memories and it feels a little bit too much like goodbye.

“Thanks.” The word is stiff and somehow full of so much emotion Dan has been holding inside himself for the past almost-three months.

“I’m leaving in three days,” Phil says and it’s unnecessary, because Dan has been counting down the seconds since he found out. But him saying it makes it a million times more real, and it’s like another punch to the side of the head.

He already misses him.

Dan doesn’t trust himself to speak so he just nods.

“Can I come in?”

Dan opens the door a little wider for him and he steps inside.

“Can I have a hug?”

Dan nods again.

Phil is a grand total of two inches taller than him, and Dan tucks his head into the crook of his neck. For some reason he isn’t crying, not yet, but he probably will some time today. And tomorrow. And maybe even everyday after that.

“I’m sorry,” Phil whispers.

“Why are you sorry?” Dan asks. His voice is muffled by the fabric of his shirt. He smells like after shave and warmth and raspberry body wash.

Phil shrugs into the hug. It feels awkward and disjointed. “I don’t know. I just know I don’t want to leave you.”

“I don’t want you to leave either. I want you to stay.”

“I know.”

They’re silent, clutching onto each other with desperate hands. Phil presses kisses to Dan’s neck and Dan twists his fingers into his shirt. He wants him to stay, and it’s as simple as that really.

“It’s only a three hour trip.”

“And expensive.”

“Yeah.”

Dan breathes in his scent, and finally pulls away, because he has to be the first to pull away this time.

Phil stares at him. His blue eyes are red around the edges and full of melancholy. He cups Dan’s cheeks with his calloused hand and Dan stares back. There’s a pain in his stomach, like a cramp or nausea but worse. It builds and finds its way to his throat. A little sob burst from his lips and tears spill onto his cheeks. He bites down hard on his lip, like that will help him to stop crying.

Phil looks away from him. Dan pretends he doesn’t see the tears dripping down his long nose. He quickly wipes them away and Dan composes himself. He swallows thickly.

“Do you want to come upstairs?” Dan asks, even though the question is long overdue. He should have asked it when he came inside, but he’s not even sure if he wants Phil upstairs even now, which is stupid because he’s been inside his room so many times in the past that one more time shouldn’t matter. But this is different. He doesn’t know how, but it is.

“Yeah.”

The stairs in his childhood home are rickety and old, made of dark wood that’s been worn away so it dips in the middle from old footsteps. The railing is painted white, but chipped to reveal the pale wood underneath. Dan runs his hand across it, the bumps and ridges familiar under his fingertips.

Angry punk rock music is playing from his stereo that he’d forgotten to turn off when he’d gone to answer the door. His room is white and a couple posters cover the walls, some bands, some video games. His blankets are all knotted together, twisted from restless sleep, and his pillow is on the floor.

He turns off the stereo and the silence is stifling.

Phil makes himself at home and lays down on the bed. He pats the spot beside him. Dan lays down beside him and Phil laces their fingers together.

“I love you,” he whispers.

Dan takes a slow breath. “Why does that feel like a break up?”

“I don’t know.” His voice sounds thick, like he’s crying. “I don’t want it to be. Do you?”

Dan rolls onto his side, tucking his head in the crook of Phil’s shoulder. “I don’t know.”

Phil sucks in a painful breath. His fingers tighten around Dan’s, but it doesn’t feel like a lifeline anymore. It feels desperate, like holding onto something that doesn’t really exist anymore. Maybe. Dan’s not really sure about anything anymore.

“Okay,” Phil says because there’s nothing else to be said.

He leaves a couple moments later, pressing a final kiss to his temple. Dan’s bed begins to grow colder.

/five months later/

He gets the text message at 3.05 in the afternoon on a friday. He’s lucky his mobile isn’t confiscated when he takes it out to see who’s messaged him.

From: Phil Lester

_i’m in town this weekend. can we see each other pls?_

Dan swallows and tucks his phone back into his bag at his feet, pretending to scratch an itch on his ankle so his teacher doesn’t notice. He keeps rambling on about world war one and its causes and Dan should really pay attention but Phil just texted him and it’s the first form of communication he’s had with him for three months.

The bell rings to signify the end of the day and Dan immediately pulls out his phone and stares at the text message. He feels a tap on his shoulder.

His friend Carrie is stood beside him, looking a little worried, like always.

“Coming?” she asks, and shoulders her bag.

It’s just them this year. Dan had mostly hung out with Phil’s friends, who were all in Phil’s year, and they’d all graduated seven months ago.

He smiles at her. She’s in the same boat as him. “Of course. Gimme a minute, yeah?”

She nods, her blonde curls bobbing and brown eyes gentle.

He stares at the text for another five seconds before quickly replying. His fingers shake as he types out the answer.

To: Phil Lester

_meet me at my house on saturday? around 2?_

He presses send and pockets his phone. He loosens his tie and shoulders his bag. His phone buzzes against his hip, but he ignores it and smiles at Carrie instead. She links arms with him and they make their way through the crowded hallways. 

“What are you up to this weekend?” Carrie asks.

Dan licks his lips. “Funny thing you should ask.” He pauses to shift his bag on his shoulder. “Seems like I’m meeting Phil tomorrow.”

Carrie raises her eyebrows. “Oh? How long has it been?” she asks.

“Three months, maybe.” He doesn’t let her know that he actually knows the exact date that Phil last contacted him. Carrie judges him enough already.

“Are you two still together?”

The courtyard is bright today, which is odd, because winters in reading are usually bleak and dark, either raining or lightly snowing. The sun beats down on dan’s cheeks, and they warm slightly. He ends up unzipping his coat and removing his gloves as he starts his trek home, Carrie by his side.

He thinks about her question for a moment.

“I don’t know,” he says, honestly.

“Perhaps–” Carrie hops over a puddle, the heel of her boot catching the edge and sending a small splash of water onto their ankles. “–the better question is, do you still love him?”

Dan purses his lips and stops. He squints his eyes against the bright light of the sun. “Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Carrie nods. “We both got a little screwed over by fate, didn’t we?”

Dan smiles a little sadly at her and takes her hand in his. “I’m glad it was you who was screwed over with me.”

“Me too.” She grins broadly and pecks him on the cheek. “Now, how about a cuppa at my place?”

He quickens his pace, and she nearly has to run to keep up. “Sounds wonderful.”

From: Phil Lester

_i’ll see you then. :)_

///

Phil is ten minutes late.

Dan’s not really surprised, as he usually is for most things, but it still makes him bounce his knee nervously as he waits for him in his living room. So far, he’s played five rounds of Angry Birds, watched a YouTube video, and read an article about the advantages and disadvantages of raising sheep to try and quell his anxiety.

He shouldn’t be this anxious, and it’s silly, but he can’t help but wonder if phil won’t love him anymore, or if he won’t like him anymore because he’s too young, too college for him now. He wonders how much phil’s changed, if he’s got a new partner, if he’s replaced Dan which a bunch of cooler, university friends.

Dan’s on his sixth round of Angry Birds.

The doorbell rings.

Dan steals himself and ruffles his hair before straightening it out again. He opens the door.

It takes all he can not to throw himself into his arms and sob.

Phil is stood in his doorway. Nothing and everything about him has changed. He’s wearing a Pokémon shirt Dan bought him a year ago for Christmas, black jeans, and his winter coat. His hair is still black, but his ginger roots are poking through. He really should dye it again, Dan notes.

His eyes are more tired than before, with dark bruises under them and sharp cheekbones that look just a little paler than they were in June.

Dan licks his lips and gives Phil a small smile.

“Hi.”

He purses his lips.

“Hi,” Dan replies, and closes the door behind him.

“So…” Phil trails off. His eyes scan Dan’s body, drinking him in like he’s dying of thirst. “Where did you want to go?”

“You invited me out,” Dan remarks, not unkindly. “Don’t you remember how this works?” he teases him weakly.

“Fair enough. How’s Starbucks?”

Dan shrugs, and gestures to Phil to lead the way.

It strikes him how much he’s missed Phil, the way he breathes, deep and slow, or the way he walks with a slight bounce in his step, always with his head held high in the air. He wonders if Phil’s missed him.

“How have you been, Dan?” Phil asks, slowing down a little so he can keep up with him.

He shrugs. “I dunno. A Levels, so…” Phil hums in understanding.

“A Levels were hard. You can do them, though. I believe in you.” He smiles at Dan, and he looks a little too okay. “How’s Carrie?”

“She’s lovely and blonde as ever.”

Phil smiles. “That’s good.”

Dan holds the door to Starbucks open for Phil, who tells him to go get them a table while he pays for drinks. Dan tries to hand him a five pound note, but he brushes it off. (“Don’t you remember how this works?” he quotes and Dan shakes his head fondly in reply, but surrenders.)

Phil comes by five minutes later with steaming mugs of coffee. Dan takes a sip of his, and is pleased when he realizes that Phil hasn’t forgotten his coffee order.

“Thanks.” Phil shrugs and Dan swallows awkwardly. “How’s uni going?”

Phil’s eyes brighten a little when he mentions uni, which makes Dan’s stomach sink. “It’s pretty amazing actually.”

Dan forces a smile and nods. “Yeah?” he prompts and takes a scalding sip of his caramel macchiato. It burns his tongue and throat. He doesn’t notice.

“Yeah. My professors are amazing, and I’ve met so many cool people, see? It’s awesome.” Phil grins and takes a sip of his drink, which, if Dan remembers correctly, is whatever the special is. Phil always liked to try something new every time they went to Starbucks.

Dan purses his lip and averts his eyes. “I’m glad you’re enjoying it so much.”

There’s a painful ache in his chest that won’t go away.

“Listen, Dan.” Phil stops himself until Dan meets his eyes. “There’s a reason, really, why I wanted to meet you today. I, um…” He takes a deep breath. “I wanted to ask you… What we are.”

Dan nods and traces shapes on the wood with the tip of his finger. “I don’t know.”

“Okay,” Phil breathes. It’s tense and Dan hates it because it never sued to be this way. It used to be that he and Phil could talk and laugh for hours, but he’s been away for so long and Dan doesn’t know if he even knows Phil anymore. “Okay, fair enough.”

Dan meets his eyes, blue and clear and bright, even if they are bruised underneath with purple shadows. “What do you want us to be?”

“I want us to have a label,” Phil says, like he’s rehearsed this. It strikes Dan that maybe he has. Maybe Phil is just as nervous about this meeting as he is.

His hand clenches into a fist. “We haven’t talked in three months, Phil.”

Phil sucks in a breath at the sound of his name. “I know. And that’s both of our faults, I think. I don’t want to go that long without talking to you ever again, really.”

Dan remains silent. He leans onto the table, resting his chin on his forearm. “I missed you. But I don’t think I can stand being in limbo all the time.”

“Okay.” Phil’s voice is a whisper. It’s small and choked. He won’t meet Dan’s eyes. Dan looks at the table.

It takes him all of three tries to get the words out. “I think we should be friends.” He’s crying now. One of his tears slides down his nose and onto the table.

“Okay.”

“I think I should get home.” He bites down hard on the inside of his cheek.

It feels like an ending.

Phil nods, and stares at his coffee cup. He catches Dan’s wrist as he gets up to leave. “I love you,” he says.

Dan nods, and kisses him slowly on the lips. The kiss is salty and it’s like a conclusion, a closing paragraph of a shitty essay. Phil’s fingers curl under his chin tenderly. The pad of his thumb strokes his cheekbone.

“I love you too,” he whispers. “I’m sorry.”

The ache in his chest makes its way up his throat and he walks out of the cafe. It takes all of his effort not to look back.

/six months later/

Dan graduates with three A Levels and a headache. He’s out drinking with some friends the night after graduation, and the music is too loud and the people too sweaty.

He sips on a beer, regretting his need to prove his masculinity and not buying one of the more delicious cocktails on the menu. He’s learning how to live without Phil, and it’s working. It’s working pretty well, and most days he’s actually pretty happy.

A girl with purple hair shouts at him if he wants to dance. There’s sweat beading on the skin of her forehead and in between her breasts but he shrugs and agrees.

She laughs and pulls him to the middle of the dance floor. She shakes her hips, her black silky skirt swishing from side to side, and makes Dan do the same, and for once he’s actually having fun while out.

Until he sees a face in the crowd. Jet black hair with ginger roots poking out over top of the crowd and bright blue eyes that he thinks he’s gotten over but now that he’s seen them he knows he’s gone.

Dan swallows. Their eyes meet.

He makes his way over, apologizing to the girl who’s name he still hasn’t gotten.

They meet in the middle.

Phil smiles. “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“I hate to take you away from a fun night of drinking,” Phil shouts over the music. “But I haven’t had the chance to congratulate you on your graduation. Did you want to get out of here and walk for a bit?”

Dan smiles and nods.

As they make their way out the door, their hands connect and it feels like a beginning.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this because a friend is moving away, in case you were wondering. obviously a platonic relationship, but one very similar to that of dan and phil, which is why i chose to write for this fandom rather than my usual...  
> if you liked it, please leave a comment or kudos!  
> thanks for reading!


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